It's time to call off the search for happiness. To be happy do this instead.
A week ago, I was sitting on the beach of a Greek island. I watched the sun glittering in the tropical azure-blue waters of the Ionian Sea. My first real holiday in four years, just like I had envisioned it. This was all I had hoped for, longed for to make things right... aand I felt absolutely nothing, least of all grateful. What the fuck?
Like most people, my brain has a negative bias. It loves focusing on what I don’t have and everything that’s going wrong. (And there has been plenty of that lately). It wasn’t that I couldn’t see the beauty surrounding me, the negative bias just decided that my problems were more important. I couldn’t feel grateful. If I am being honest, I guess I expected gratitude to happen as the result of what I had or where I was. Gratitude lists were only a temporary skill in my toolbox. Once I was grateful I chucked them.
Sounds familiar?
I'd say so, since making you feel like your life isn't good enough as it is, is the most successful marketing strategy of the industry; social media and the spiritual / self-help communities. The entire point is to sell you the idea that everyone else has better stuff and therefore a better life. As if having better stuff makes everything come right. It’s an illusion, but once you throw in a quick fix, it sells better than water in the desert. Because everyone ultimately wants to be happy.
The problem is, if you think that way, happiness becomes a destination you’ll rarely reach, if at all. And, even worst, if you manage to get what you wanted, your negative bias will make sure it’s still not enough.
I am here to tell you that it’s time to call off the search for happiness altogether. Happiness is the byproduct of how you choose to live your life, not the result of what you have or who and where you are. The truth is, the happier you try to be the unhappier you become. It’s a spiritual paradox, like most of the higher spiritual teachings.
The only way to get unstuck is to see the beauty of where you are with how things are. Believe me when I say that, starting a gratitude list was the last thing I felt like doing! I am not particularly a spiritual woo-woo guide that flaunts gratitude practices. Probably because the way they have been sold as magic potion to fix your life is crap.
But sometimes doing the right thing feels like baptising a cat. After all, healing is an active force. Nothing in this universe moves until you make the choice to get yourself out of the mess you are in (even if you didn’t cause it). And, I mean, what did I really have to lose?
So, I decided that for one week, every morning and evening, I would write down at least one thing that I am truly grateful for. Something that was easy to feel good about, like coffee or air conditioning in 38 degrees Mediterranean heat. I visualised or wrote down why I appreciated it so much.
How did it make me feel good?
Why is it positive to have?
Was there a time in my life I dreamt about having this?
The trick was to only pick stuff I really felt grateful for, not the stuff we are told to appreciate, like the air we breathe. I added as many things as I felt like adding. If today it’s just one thing, it’s good enough. Quality over quantity.
For instance, I love my morning coffees. Not only does the black magic potion make me bearable, it’s also my 15 minutes a day to be in peace and do whatever the fuck I want, whether it be writing, editing or watching an episode of Bondi Rescue. The deeper I can get into how and why I appreciate it, the stronger it feels.
What can I say? Shit works! After only four days I looked at things differently, lighter. There were more opportunities around me than I had thought.
There are many reasons why gratitude works. Sure, being grateful raises your vibration and eases your resistance to the flow (the invisible universal force pulling you towards your desires). But also, scientifically speaking, gratitude releases dopamine.
Your brain loves dopamine. This hormone teaches your brain to look for things to appreciate. I realised that the things I am searching for are already present in my life. I was already more appreciative of the small things than years ago. I already had cultivated more inner peace in me than four years ago.
Gratitude releases your white-knuckle grip on the limiting stories you tell about yourself. The stories of how everyone else is happier and more successful than you are, and why you can’t be just that.
Gratitude isn’t having more; it’s realising you already have it. Your worth is intrinsic. This change in perspective leads to a more positive self-awareness.
Best of all, the more grateful you are, the more grateful you become. Your brain looks for dopamine hits by searching for more things to be grateful for. The Law of Attraction then brings you more of the stuff that you want. As Teal Swan says: The better it gets, the better it gets. Neat.
So, did gratitude solve all my problems now? Nah! It’s not a magic potion making all problems go away. I still felt the discomfort of things I had to deal with, but now they felt bearable and the beautiful moments I have are more enjoyable.
I won’t be grateful all the time. Neither will you. You’re not supposed to. The change of emotions is a natural and necessary response to process your experiences. If you force yourself to be grateful when you are not, you end up feeling more ashamed and disconnected from yourself.
Forcing yourself to be grateful when you are not enforces your belief that you aren’t good enough.
Instead, by being grateful, you teach yourself that you are capable of handling whatever situation you are in. You realise that you have the power to get yourself out of the situation you manoeuvred yourself in. That’s true empowerment.
Let this be your first step in taking responsibility to get you where you want to be by doing the best with what you have where you are. Let's talk more about responsibility next time.
If I can do it as a 3/5 human design line, notoriously for learning certain life lessons slowly and painfully, so can you. Easy!
Don’t take my word for it. I certainly wouldn’t. You have to experience it to believe it. And if you like the results, add this valuable tool to your toolbox of how to get through life. If not, drop it. Nothing more expensive than wasting precious life-time.
So, what will you be grateful for today?
Send me an email or comment with your top 3 if you feel like sharing.
Don’t forget to share this email with family and friends, anyone who you think would benefit from a little change in perspective.
Today, I am grateful for having time to write and edit this email while sipping tea in an air conditioned environment and taking a nap afterwards. Naps on planes are fucking glorious!
Cheers,
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