What not trusting yourself will cost you
I used to ask God to fix my life. If you could see the prayers and questions I posted to my spirit guides, God and mediums (the few times I went), you’d cringe!
At the time, I had no trust whatsoever in my own intuition because according to my own logic my intuition (or my decision-making progress) had gotten me into a few pretty terrible situations, and I clearly should have known better. Yeah, I know. This level of distrust in oneself is normal after trauma. In fact, the only way for the psyche to feel some sense of control in unpredictable and painful situations like this is to eventually make you responsible for it, even when it’s not true.
Because to me my own authority (my intuition, my nervous system and my emotions) was not a reliable guiding system to make decisions, my brain came up with the clever idea that the only way to stay safe was this: only make choices with a predictable outcome (lol) and/or find an authority outside of yourself that can tell you (or at least confirm) what’s right for you. If this wasn’t given, I’d just not take the risk.
As a consequence, I habitually overstayed my welcome in shitty jobs, unhappy relationships and destructive habits fearing I would make an even worse decision by doing something new. The devil you know, you know. I paid dearly for this with money, time and inner peace and worse of all the feeling that I just can't trust myself. The illusion that staying with a pain that you know instead of something unfamiliar, will always be the most expensive one when it crumbles, because it always will.
There are three unhealthy spiritual teachings or practices that support this unhealthy dynamic: 1) telling someone to follow their intuition without teaching them what their intuition sounds like. You can’t follow the sound of your inner voice if you don’t know what it sounds like. 2) Making the teacher or spirit guides the authority on your well-being. It’s a common practice in Shamanic teachings to teach people to ask the guides first and solely rely on their expertise. It’s also a common practice that teachers will tell their students what’s best for them instead of teaching students how to find their own answers. 3) Lastly, relying on psychics or mediums services that will tell you what to do in those relationships, if that job is around the corner etc. There are questions that no one other than you can answer: Should I marry this person? Should I quit my job? Should I move countries?
Lilith once told me that one of the greatest lies we ever were told (and believed) is that we are not capable. Meaning that we believe we are not capable of finding solutions to our problems, to improve our lives or to make our dreams come true.
When we distrust our own senses and make someone else the authority over our life, we are wide open to fall into abusive dynamics. You see, abuse only works when the victim believes they are powerless in the situation and worse of all, deserve the treatment. Abuse leads to overriding yourself of self and your instincts in order to survive or endure the pain.
Making yourself the authority of your life, learning to trust yourself is vital to keep you safe. There are three steps to consider:
1) The first step to change this pattern is to immediately stop making someone or something else the expert of your life, your health and well-being.
Accept that no one else but you can answer questions like: Should I marry this person? Should I break-up? Should I eat this ice-cream? Is this job the right move for me? It’s not anyone else’s job to figure out what you need and want. It may be scary, but you can learn.
At this point in my life, I do not take advice from anybody unless I specifically ask for it. I am the expert, the CEO, and the Kris Jenner in my life. I’ve recently felt sluggish and undisciplined in my body. Instead of asking anyone else what my problem is, I started observing what I was doing: skipping meals, eating sugary snacks and no exercise. It was no one else but myself who pointed out to me that this was not giving me the results I wanted, and I knew something had to be done.
2) The second step is to understand the difference between your mind/ego and heart/intuition.
Mind and ego are always the loudest in the room. They are logical and argumentative. They tell you WHY something is good/bad for you. There is always a reason.
Heart and intuition are the soft, quiet voices that gives you an answer once. It provides no explanation and doesn’t argue with you.
I had to do something and instead of rushing to find the answer somewhere outside of me, I let it come to me a few days later. The message to go on a dieta (a diet from certain foods and activities, like a cleanse) came in quiet, direct and clear. I was standing at the kitchen counter, prepping some quick, less nutritious snack when I got the message that a dieta would be the best choice to reset and cleanse my system, and to restore discipline. I wasn’t looking for this message and not waiting on it. I let it come to me! The voice was small and direct without long explanations. That’s why we love to ignore it. Everything that came after the message was mind and ego. For two days I went back and forth in my mind: What if the diet won’t satisfy me enough to keep me going? What am I going to do with the rest of the meat and dairy products in my fridge? What if I don’t have enough time to prepare my meals? What if, what if and more what ifs. Mind/ego always argues and always has an expectation.
3) The thirst step is a simple shift in perspective.
Let me make this easy for you, because it is: There is no right choice in life! Every choice has a consequence and comes with a price you pay. Staying where you are to avoid more pain is the most painful and most expensive of them all. The safety you get is an illusion. The stress and pain you are already experiencing where you are will absolutely continue and often get worse. You don’t have to know why it’s not for you, you just have to know when something crosses a line where it can’t be continued.
Life is not about making one right choice that solves all your problems. It’s about making one choice that’s best for you and see where it takes you. Now you have something to work with. From there you adjust your intention and direction and make another choice. Adjust again and make another. It’s a fucking process, not a computer game. I wish someone would have taught me that 5 years ago!
-> Did one small choice of going on a dieta fix all my life problems? Nope. Something in my diet is irritating my stomach, and I am writing this post from bed because my body is tired and aching from my new workout routine. Yet, I am feeling lighter, healthier and more peaceful in my body than I have in a very long time. I also have more (writing) discipline than before. Remember, two truths can coexist at the same time. I KNOW this was the best choice for me at the time, and at the same time I am assessing and adjusting accordingly. There is no such thing as one right choice.
Here’s the thing…
Trusting yourself is a process that doesn’t happen overnight and surely not in an 8-week course. Don’t fall for the marketing promising you these results. Trusting yourself is a relationship that grows when you follow through on what you said you would do.
Start small. Start achievable. Start with: What do you want right now? (This can be anything, from what movie you want to watch, what food you want to eat, how you want to spend your day). Ask yourself and treat the first answer that comes to you like you are the one and only authority in this universe, because you are. It doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong. It’s about developing trust, so even if you end up not liking your choice - change it to what you do like.
If you need someone to be accountable to, send me a message.
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